n Shakespeare's Macbeth, there is a famous scene wherein Persephone says to her father, Polonius, "But if you're the police / Then who will police the police?" Polonius replies, "I dunno. Coast Guard?" In that spirit, then, I myself take upon the role of Coast Guard, and present to you my top ten list of the hardest rockin', whiskeyest swillin', groupiest molestin', conventionest defyin' Stylus Reviews, Articles or Features of All Time, Or At Least Since 1999.

10. Scott McKeating, The Fall of Ja Rule. [Link]

I like this article because it's well-researched and because it explains things to me. You see, I don't live in America or England, or even Canada, so it's hard for me to fill in the pop culture blanks. I didn't know that Wanksta was about Ja - I figured it was dissing someone, but I guessed Eminem. Scott McKeating is my Source Magazine.

9. Scott McKeating, The Incredible Paranoid Something-About-Weed Something Something World Of Tricky, Parts One and Two [Link]

This one too. See above. This is some Good Reading. Can't wait for Part Three!

8. Andrew Unterberger, Seconds: Perfect Moments In Pop: Boredoms' "Super Going" [Link]

This is Andrew's best guitar solo ever. I like the part where he taps on the fretboard and it's all like diddlew-diddlew-diddlew-DWEEEOOOO!!!!! Also "Super Going" sounds funny.

7. Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez, The Weekend Web.

Well I suppose technically it's on SA, not Stylus, but it's still pretty damn good.

6. Dave Queen, Everything He's Ever Written. [Link]

Understand this guy I do not, Young Skywalker! But cut-and-paste I can.

Burn that and buy this instead, cuz Joey’s here! Proof if any devil is 6 then God is 7! Deal and Black as the respective Jagger/Richards. Beer in your cornflakes! Beer foo yung! It appears to be a compilation of things from various sources - paradoxes are gay. This record is like an electroclash version of 4AD which is to say it’s trip-hop except with flutes and harpsichords: Of course, in those days people actually HAD lawns. Lucky quadriplegic fucker. There will be no revolution, jams will remain unkicked. I’ve heard better Happy Meal-metal bands from Saudi Arabia. Henry (reclusive lunatic who died leaving a flat full of wall-sized canvasses featuring little girls with penises drawn on them as he’d never seen a naked girl in real life!) Darger, or perhaps Bible John?

Precisely, Mr. Queen.

5. Ron Schepper, Artist Profile: Terre Thaemlitz [Link]

The only thing that he forgot to point out is that Terre is the new Wendy Carlos.

4. Michael Heumann, Piana: Snow Bird [Link]

He references anime and Roland Barthes in the same paragraph. That's how I like my content - nice and juxtaposed. Also, I got this album after reading this review and its the best bloody album in the world and everyone should put their wallets in envelopes and mail them directly to Taylor Deupree right now now now do it now.

3. Josh Love, His Name at The Bottom of All the Things He Writes. [Link]

His name is Love.

2. William B. Swygart, Pop Playground [Link]

I still can't figure out why there are pictures of people playing soccer but I think it means William is angry at modern music or something. And I likes my Englishmen angry.

1. Akiva Gottlieb, This Band Is Exhausted. [Link]

The following snippet is the greatest piece of comedy gold legally available in the United States.

Stylus: So (Jerry from the Wrens) has three kids?
K: Three little monsters. Two boy monsters and one girl monster.
Stylus: Big fans of the band?
K: They hate the band! They think we all play drums, so they call us The Drummers.

The key to the comedy lies in the fact that the kids hate the band, and that the kids think it's some kind of insult to derisively refer to their father and his friends as a pack of dirty hairy drummers. The Drummers!! I wish there was an indie band that all played drums. Not a percussion ensemble, but just four dudes playing a typical rock drumbeat over and over, and at the end of every 16-bar pattern, everyone wildly performs tom fills. I would pay to see that. One of their songs could be just them counting in a song, 1-2-3-4, and clicking their sticks together in the air, and the song never actually begins, they just count 1-2-3-4 over and over until they stop five minutes later. That would be awesome.