lbum Chart Notes: Clare Teal is Michael Parkinson's new favourite bland (AH HA! AH HA! AH HA!) at #20. And entirely necessarily, we get played 'If Everybody Looked The Same' to commemorate Groove Armada's greatest hits having not gone away yet (#19). Yes, I went supermarket early this week, just so I could sit here and have Wes inform me that "you know more Groove Armada than you think you do." Catherine Jenkins sings up some opera at #16, Wes… let's not bother, eh? Keane are #15, here's 'Everybody's Changing'. At #14, Meatloaf and An Orchestra. Hang on, Usher's #12, let's wheel out 'Yeah' again. Jay Sean is having a web chat thing. Olivia Newton-John is new at #11. Joss Stone gets her sensuous on at #9 with the usual amount of subtlety that would imply.

Daniel O'Donnell climbs three, the Scissor Sisters are playing LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE on the chart show next week so we get played 'Take Your Mama', Rod Stewart is new at #3 with his third volume of pissing on America's musical legacy. He's done 'What A Wonderful World'.

But hey, your new number one is Robbie's Greatest Hits. Here's 'Let Me Entertain You'. We are tempted to ask how much this song has been tainted by other people singing it. The trumpets are nice.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: The Cure #39 ("No, Bob, more like Deacon Blue, that's what they want"); Rammstein #38 (German penis-metallers tackle America. "OPERATION MICKEY MOUSSSSSE!" "AMERIKAHHH IST VOONDERBARRRH!" "KOKAH KOLAH, WONDERBRAHHHH!" Words can't describe…); Slipknot #31 (they've still got those prog leanings but not tied them to much of a tune this time. I think it's meant to be a ballad. Very dirgey, but in a surprisingly tolerable way); Bjork #26 (BEST WEEK FOR NEW ENTRIES EVER! I do actually have this album. This is better than 'Ancestors', certainly… more than that I just don't feel qualified to say); and The Dualers #21 (two brothers do retro-sounding (i.e. on a Casio) ska. And guess what? They're from Croydon. Where I'm from. I have seen them busking outside Allders. They're shite).

THE UK TOP 20: IS IT NOT ENOUGH THAT WE GAVE THE WORLD DANE BOWERS?

20) TRAVIS – Walking In The Sun (NEW ENTRY)

It's a Travis single. You'd say they'd descended into self-parody but that would require them to be funny. Instead, it's the same sort of agreeably not-rubbish-not-much-good-still-at-least-it's-not-the-fucking-Supernaturals stuff we've grown to know and ignore over the past few years. Ho hum.

19) MYLO – Drop The Pressure (NEW ENTRY)

Erm… I'm a bit disappointed. I mean, this is quite nice, digitised vocals, sounds a bit like it could soundtrack some canoeing highlights on Grandstand and so on… but it just feels a bit thin on first listen, and I'd rather been looking forward to it. Oh well. I'll give it more of a listen over the next week.

18) PLACEBO – Twenty Years (NEW ENTRY)

Yes, it is officially ROKKKKK WEEKKKKK in the top 40! I hear the intro! My dad rings to moan about the football! I have to turn this off! We talk for a couple of minutes! I hear the end! I'm going to have to procure this and tell you what actually happened next week! Bugger!

17) LUCIE SILVAS – What You're Made Of

Oh, go away. I've not mentioned football in a while, actually, have I? Southampton drew 0-0 with Birmingham City earlier on today. Meanwhile, in action involving teams Americans Have Heard Of, Manchester United lead Arsenal 1-0 at the moment. I don't really care.

16) BRANDY – Afrodisiac

This… this just isn't actually that good, is it? There's a bit where she goes "Ha Ha Ha Ha" which is supposed to sound ice col' and so on, but it just ends up being a bit rubbish and making you wish it was being done by Tim Curry instead.

15) THE ZUTONS – Don't Ever Think (Too Much) (NEW ENTRY)

Ah, they're all after being ramshackle again! "Don'! Ever fink! Ever fink! Ever fink too much!" The video to this is, to be polite, bloody terrible. But it's a nice enough song, chugs along very nicely to fill out its two and a half minutes, and isn't one of the songs off their album. Except they've just re-released their album with this on it. Oh. Wes informs Zutons fans in Cambridge that their gig is off tonight due to a chest infection the drummer's got, but "you can get a refund." The Zuton nation showers him with kisses, probably.

14) LI'L FLIP – Sunshine (NEW ENTRY)

And this has completely gone out of my head. For fuck's sakes… but I do remember liking it, it was a nice little laid-back thing. Flip admires his girl's steak-cooking skills, much like Fabolous did last year. His girl coos quite sweetly. It's honestly quite a nice song, I'm sure of it, but I cannot remember what it sounds like at all…

13) ANGEL CITY ft. LARA McALLEN – Do You Know (I Go Crazy)

The possibility that this may have forced it out of my head worries me.

12) ROOSTER – Come Get Some

Manchester United have beaten Arsenal 2-0. Rooster, being Blokes, will obviously be enthralled by this news. Here's our manager, Steve Wigley:



He's not very good, but I quite like him anyway.

11) RACHEL STEVENS – More More More

In the download chart, Marillion are kept off number one by U2. IT'S THE FUTURE! IT'S THE FUTURE!

10) DEEP DISH – Flashdance

There's five new entries left, at least one of which is better than this. But this is still great.

9) ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Radio

And I think I like this more this week. Probably cos it hasn't got to the last two minutes. Oh, it's not so bad, I suppose. But still just Not That Great.

8) DARIUS – Kinda Love (NEW ENTRY)

Ohhh, so near and yet so far… the opening is this very good piano riff, jaunty, lilting… AND THEN THE POWER CHORDS IN THE CHORUS FOR FUCK'S SAKES WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Then there's some very nice "nah nah nah nah" bits, then jaunty, then FUCKING CHORUS AGAIN. Oh god… this should be forgivable. And then, it really isn't. Oh dear.

7) DEPECHE MODE – Enjoy The Silence (Remix) (NEW ENTRY)

In other words, 'Enjoy The Silence' with some added fannying about. At heart, this is still 'Enjoy The Silence', and that is still a very good thing. But there's some echo noises and redubs and stuff, and they just… distract. They make it sound like The Rasmus a bit too much, except 'In The Shadows' isn't this good. It's a bit of a shame, but I still quite like it.

6) R KELLY – Happy People/U Saved Me (NEW ENTRY)

Ah man. The most ridiculously upbeat song in this week's chart, no question. "I wanna get dressed, I wanna go out… take me to that place where there ain't nothing but that happy." The "yeah"'s carry this one all the way, but the burden is ridiculously light. "Happeh peepow!" "Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah…" "Turrrnin'." And I've not even mentioned 'U Saved Me' yet. Next week.

5) DUNCAN JAMES & KEEDIE – I Believe My Heart

Wes refers to Keedie as 'Chavarotti'. Wes? Fuck off.

4) KHIA – My Neck, My Back (Lick It)

I like the bells.

3) KELIS & ANDRE 3000 – Millionaire (NEW ENTRY)

The intro makes them sound like The Moldy Peaches. Is there a hook? Does this beat need one? It sounds like an electro band covering 'Hey Ya!' expect the vocals are completely different. The backing is fucking wonderful, the continuous "tinkletinkletinkletinkleBOOMPBOOMPBOOMP" is the seller here. I can't remember what Kelis and Andre do very much. Andre is probably witty in some way. All about the beat here, though, really.

2) MANIC STREET PREACHERS – The Love Of Richard Nixon (NEW ENTRY)

Ooh dear. People are gonna hate me for saying this. But… I don't hate this. Not at all. I dunno that I like it as such, but Christ, James Dean Bradfield sounds a lot better when he stops singing like he normally does, doesn't he? I mean, imagine if he sang this like 'You Stole The Sun From My Heart'. Horrid, isn't it? As it is, this sort of grumbles about miserably in the background, they're probably a bit political in about as clever and incisive a way as the Manics usually are… but really, this isn't that awful. And anyway, this properly makes it ROKKKKK WEEKKKKK because now people can complain about proper music being held down by:

1) ERIC PRYDZ – Call On Me

CHAVSCUMHOUSECHEESETRANCEBOLLOCKSSHITE! In Croydon, not busking outside the Allders. I just… don't give a shit, you know? It's really been a pretty decent year for singles, but just not up the top end of the charts, and it really does just feel like we're killing time until something better comes along. Which is a bit of a pity, really.

So obviously Daniel Bedingfield's going to be number one next week. It's the natural order of these things, I suppose… but in the meantime, why not watch the new Dizzee Rascal video, featuring some marionettes listening to pirate radio and getting in a fight with the police outside an off-licence? Even better than Jamie Foxx, which is quite an achievement.