lbum chart notes: Er, I fell asleep. Sorry. Stayed awake long enough to hear Will Young’s new single, though. I thought it was very good.

New entries outside the top 20: The Stills #39 (‘mates of Interpol’, and it sure as hell sounds it); Yeovil Town FC #36 (more on this later, probably in lieu of writing anything about Katie Melua); Auf der Maur #35 (serviceable radio-loud-rock); Summer Matthews #32 (Byker Grove actress tries sounding like Pink, actually sounds better than her—still something very dislikeable about this, though—like Sinead Quinn but not very good); Hundred Reasons #30 (naff off already); Clea #23 (pretty yet vacant autobahn-balladeering from Them That Aren’t Girls Aloud Or Javine. Yes, they’re probably getting dropped); and Luther Vandross #21 (reminisces on father, jerks tears. Manipulative as fuck, but gets the job done).

The DVD chart is still a fucking terrible idea.

THE UK TOP 20: FEATURING BELLE & SEBASTIAN!

20) OZZY & KELLY OSBOURNE – Changes

So, yes, Yeovil Town Football Club are #36, ahead of John Mayer, the Fun Lovin’ Criminals and some other people. Their single, ‘Yeovil True’, is about staying true to Yeovil Town Football Club, sounds like Chas and Dave would if they were from Somerset instead of Cockneyland, and is probably the best thing outside the top 20. It also appears to have been sold exclusively in WH Smith’s in Yeovil. If any industry insiders are reading, start moaning about the death of the single now-ish.

19) FERRY CORSTEN – Rock Your Body Rock

You may not be surprised to hear that I might have to put in further fun facts about Yeovil Town FC later on. Now, however, might I just re-emphasise that this single here really is very good indeed and requires a good degree of being listened to by you and people you know.

18) STEREOPHONICS – Movie Star

“You don’t know what it’s lahhhhhhhhhhhhhhk.” This week’s rundown features Wes and Kelly Jones humorously re-enacting scenes from famous films to win a camera with which Wes took some photos of famous people. The theme tune isn’t “Twat Farm”, but it should be.

17) SEAN PAUL ft. SASHA – I’m Still In Love With You

Yeovil Town FC were the last team in the English League to draw a match this season. For Americans, this means they were the last team to have a match end with both teams having scored the same amount of goals. You call it a “tie”, I think.

16) KATIE MELUA – The Closest Thing To Crazy

Also for Americans, over here we have a thing called The Brit Awards, at which it is considered a good idea for this woman to team up with Jamie Cullum and cover “The Love Cats”. Thus, you win.

15) FATMAN SCOOP – It Takes Scoop

I think this song features Scoop getting excited about a “truck show”. King of Pop.

14) BELLE & SEBASTIAN – I’m A Cuckoo (NEW ENTRY)

YES!!! Not top 10, but never mind—this is B&S;’ highest chart position ever, and oh, quelle chanson! ‘Inspired’ by Thin Lizzy/The Who/The Beatles (I can’t remember who specifically, but TL get namechecked in the lyrics, so go with them), The Boy Murdoch gets his jangling shoes on and yet again has no luck with the ladies. We dance! The video has Stuart being chastised by his running coach and his bandmates, and being in love with at least two ladies at once. And a dog. Stevie “Most Underrated Man In Indie” Jackson shouts at him. The rest of the band look a bit confused, particularly Bob Kildea. They won’t get on Top Of The Pops, because that’s reserved for successful and uninteresting types nowadays (Scissor Sisters excepted, of course), so there won’t be anymore rose-chucking bass-flinging gorilla-suited-man mic-stand-grinding antics, and Tim Kash will be introducing “the fantastic—Keane!” where B&S; should be, but it’s not like I bother watching that anymore. This is the new single of the year, anyway. Just ahead of Bunton and Yeovil Town FC. Obviously.

13) ALEX PARKS – Cry (NEW ENTRY)

Oh dear. Falling off faster than Sneddon while being oodles of times better than he ever was. This song, however, isn’t actually much cop. It features Alex yowling “Cryee-AIYEE-AIYEE-AIYEE-AIYEE-OOH” a bit, and other than that… I can’t really remember. Oh, and it’s a ballad, because you hadn’t already guessed that.

12) 2PLAY ft. RAGHAV & JUCXI – So Confused

Right, I’m behind and my mind’s wandering. Yeovil are the only Football League side in Somerset, probably.

11) MICHELLE – All This Time

Yeovil’s home strip is green and white hoops. Bob Kildea used to be in V-Twin.

10) RAGHAV – Can’t Get Enough (NEW ENTRY)

Gets talked at on the phone by Wes prior to this being played. As such, he’s a bit irritable. This is a nice wee follow-up to his work on the 2Play single, sounds a bit like “Addictive” by Truth Hurts. He is also more likely to have a follow-up single than Truth Hurts, cos he has a better voice than her, and also hasn’t decided to call himself Truth Hurts.

9) DEEPEST BLUE – Give It Away (NEW ENTRY)

I’m seven songs behind. This sounds like Faithless making out with Chicane.

8) BOOGIE PIMPS – Somebody To Love

Video features breasts …

7) RONAN KEATING – She Believes In Me

… which, if I cared enough, would lead into a pun about ‘however, this video only features one tit’, except I don’t, and I haven’t had any of the supporting cast in the video bombarded into my ears repeatedly enough over the past eight or nine years to feel secure in my appraisal of their tittishness to make this pun…

6) OUTKAST – Hey Ya!

… here’s ‘Hey Ya!’…

5) KELIS – Milkshake

… here’s ‘Milkshake’, so here’s…

4) LMC vs. U2 – Take Me To The Clouds Above

…obviously…

3) KEANE – Somewhere Only We Know (NEW ENTRY)

… and here’s Keane. Now, previously this year, it’s been a bit of a shock when indie types make the top five. Not here. Keane are the new Coldplay in a really rather depressing fashion. It’s clever because it doesn’t have a guitar or a bass, just drums, piano and voice, yet still sounds dull enough to get them labeled a guitar band. It’s shite because it’s a dull, over-sung ballad like Coldplay’s dull, over-sung ballads and Travis’ dull, over-sung ballads (they do have good songs, or at least I think they used to, anyhow) and the complete works of Starsailor and Turin Brakes etc. Keane will be stupid fucking huge and it’s all so bloody predictable wurrrgh….

2) SAM & MARK – With A Little Help From My Friends

… and this isn’t number one anymore…

1) BUSTED – Who’s David (NEW ENTRY)

Because this is. This is like “Sleeping With The Light On”—you know, the one that got held off number one by Blu & Sean—except without the “Awww yeah-eh!” bit, and as such is the dullest thing they’ve ever done. This is probably the best number one of the year, but it’s still a rubbish top three. But hey, Yeovil Town FC are currently sixth in Division Three, Belle & Sebastian are back in the top 20, and Sarah Martin knows something you don’t know: