lbum Chart Notes: Graham Coxon has a new entry at #19, off which they don’t play nowt. They manage to make room to play ‘Take Me Out’ (Franz Ferdinand, #16) though. Hmm. Usher (#14) has his new single, ‘Burn’, played. Unsure what to make of it on first listen…

The Charlatans are new at #13. Nothing played off that because they are old. Same for Gabrielle, who is new at #10. Instead, they play ‘Laura’, which is the new single by the Scissor Sisters (#9). Bizarrely enough, I’m not too miffed about that. Plus, it was my 10th favourite single of last year, so I’m feeling ever so slightly ‘told-you-so’ too, which is a nice thing.

Alan Is A Morrissette’s album is new at #8. Nothing is played. On the other hand, Ash are new at #5 (busy week, innit?) and Tim Wheeler is interviewed by Wes for a very long time. I turn it down. Perhaps there’s some pills I could get for this condition. They play ‘Orpheus’. It’s OK, I suppose. Ash would presumably like to think that it’s better than Avwiw’s current single. They are wrong.

And, in possibly the most busy album chart in recent memory, there’s a shock—Keane hold Morrissey off #1! They play ‘Irish Blood, English Heart’. It still sounds like Gene. He was on ‘Later With Jools Holland’ on BBC2 this week, and he did ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out’. That sounded like Gene too, which was rather disappointing to say the least.

New Entries Outside The Top 20: Brand New #39 (emo-punk with very epic tendencies—and amazingly, a fair deal better than that sounds); Nick Drake #32 (touch meandering gentle folk, with some strings which just don’t sound quite right somehow, like someone added them in case You Didn’t Quite Get It—you do, though, you do. That voice is too sweet not to); PJ Harvey #28 (Bit waily, bit sinister, bit unmemorable… bit not much cop, really); Chingy #26 (Aw, this is sweet—Chingy’s trying to do a ballad, but he has a slightly warped conception of ballads, which leads to him sounding like Droopy on heat over a beat that goes all wiggly, like someone sneezed on the tape or something. Very odd, but rather fun); Kurt Nilsen #25 (‘World Idol’ covers ‘She’s So High’ by Tal Bachmann, and it sounds like a slightly more evil Travis ‘rocking out’. What would he have done with ‘She’s So High’ by Blur… sadly, I suspect we shall never know); and Kevin Lyttle #22 (Ah, nuts. Was hoping this would chart much higher… oh well. I’ll write about it later. I can’t imagine I’ll find anything else to say about Eamon…).

THE UK TOP 20 – THE ONLY WAY IN WHICH THE CALLING ARE BETTER THAN KEVIN LYTTLE

20) ABBA – Waterloo (NEW ENTRY)

Re-released to celebrate the 30th anniversary of it winning Eurovision. Greeted by me with a fair bit of the old sitting-down arm-jive. There’s seven new entries left. If only the rest of them were this good...

19) GLADIATOR ft. IZZY – Now We Are Free (NEW ENTRY)

The theme from Gladiator gets some ‘trance horns’. Da. Da. Da.

18) MORRISSEY – Irish Blood, English Heart

So they played this in the album chart why then, hmm? I feel like I’m hating this more than I should—there’s nothing particularly detestable about it, y’know, it’s just… he can do so much better, can’t he?

17) JAY-Z – 99 Problems/Dirt Off Ya Shoulder

Appreciating it more this week. But it is still boring.

16) MUSE – Sing For Absolution (NEW ENTRY)

Speaking of which, Matt Bellamy goes “Oooooh-wewwwwwww!!!” This song… oh, how much better this band would be if they weren’t quite so bloody predictable all the time. This is them being all epic and shit, and it has a nice echoey piano, and it could be something, something grand, WERE IT NOT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE GOING TO DO ABOUT HALF AN HOUR BEFORE THEY DO IT. This is meant to be enthralling and engrossing, but it just winds up being Another Bloody Muse Single With Him Screeching A Bit More As It Goes On. Though to be fair, it’s infinitely preferable to ‘Plug In Baby’.

15) 2PLAY ft. RAGHAV & NAILA BOSS – It Can’t Be Right

I get the feeling I might be saying that about 2Play if they keep on going this way too. However, Raghav is a lot better than “Eww-wheee-HEWWWWWW!!!!”

14) D12 – My Band

I was trying to think of something to write about Wee Kev, but then:

13) THE CALLING – Our Lives (NEW ENTRY)

BECAUSE U2’S BEST SONG IS OBVIOUSLY ‘BEAUTIFUL DAY’.

12) ATL – Calling All Girls (NEW ENTRY)

R&B; boyband decide to make an initial statement to the laydeez: “Calling all girls/All around the world/We jus’ wanna love you!” It’s a good chorus, but I’ve no idea what happened in the verses. Or what the beat was. But that chorus, that’s a keeper. Better than B2K ever were, in any case.

11) NATASHA BEDINGFIELD – Single

“Enjoy Jacob’s Creek—with Friends!”

10) AVRIL LAVIGNE – Don’t Tell Me

In Evanescence’s new video, Amy Lee punches a mirror too. However, she cuts herself on it and bleeds. Weirdly, their new single isn’t as good as this either, being as it is ‘Everybody’s Fool’. If you haven’t heard it, just think of ‘Going Under’, but even less subtle.

9) THE RASMUS – In The Shadows

Wee Kev, then. For the first time in ages, I don’t turn down Wes’ pre-match interview, because Wee Kev has The Skillz. Specifically, he has realised that the key is to Not Shut Up Ever because that way Butters can’t get a word in edgeways. It also helps that Wee Kev does actually sound rather scary when he’s talking. He describes his new single, ‘Last Drop’ as being “macho… it is very freaky, it is a very freaky song, but it is not vulgar!”

8) MAROON 5 – This Love

‘Last Drop’ is a quality song, anyhow. The opening is Wee Kev intoning “You! You! You! You! You!” He has heard that “it’s making you freaky when I’m not around to do you.”

7) ANASTACIA – Left Outside Alone

However, “It’s driving (Wee Kev) crazy, cos you keep on harassing (Wee Kev).” So Wee Kev has a plan…

(Continues after: )

6) THE CORRS – Summer Sunshine (NEW ENTRY)

The video features the Corrs tormenting a couple by pulling down their blinds and doors in order to let the summer sunshine, and the single’s pretty much just as oppressive, as they go all radio-rock, and Andrea gets a touch squealy in the high notes. Their singles continue to be easily divided into two piles—‘Only When I Sleep’ and ‘The Ones That Aren’t ‘Only When I Sleep’’.

5) CHRISTINA MILIAN – Dip It Low

(And now, back to Wee Kev)

… Wee Kev is going to give you sex until you scream, which is basically Wee Kev’s solution to most problems. He makes R Kelly look broad-minded.

There’s a couple of new entries to come now, followed by Eamon & Frankee, so we’ll come back to the Big Point later.

4) THE 411 ft. GHOSTFACE KILLAH – On My Knees (NEW ENTRY)

Oh, this is rather good. The 411 girls’ vocals are a hybrid of The Streets’ awkward flow and VS’ godawful attempts at sounding sexy. However, that backing is lush. There’s these peculiar string bits, possibly a bit of trumpet—it’s all very film noir-esque, and hugely intriguing, certainly enough to take your mind off the song itself. Oh, and Ghostface turns up to be apologetic towards the end for some reason. But this is decent.

3) CASSIDY ft. R KELLY – Hotel (NEW ENTRY)

“WE GOT ROOM KEYS!” R Kelly’s back. He’s having an after-party. In his hotel suite. And in the video, he’s got a Zorro mask on under his fedora. He is also dressed entirely in pink. Till they go outside, when he’s dressed more or less exactly the same, except in black with matching acoustic guitar. R does the chorus. It is fabulous. Cassidy does the verses. They are naff—Cassidy’s a pretty characterless kind of man, and he reckons he’s going to pull you, except he fairly obviously isn’t. The bits with R Kelly are marvelous, though.

2) EAMON – Fuck It (I Don’t Want You Back)

Big Point about Wee Kev, then—this isn’t ironic. It is quite funny just how one-tracked his mind is, but Kevin Lyttle’s singles are just fantastic, infectious pop. If most other people—Eamon, for instance—were to do his records, they’d sound crap, charmless libido-flaunting bollocks. But Wee Kev just has this touch, somehow, this relentless buzz about him and his squeaky vocals, and an incredible, impossible energy and enthusiasm for getting the thing moving. When he drops his acronym in the middle of ‘Last Drop’:

“K is for the kisses I give to you,
E is for everything I do,
V is for the visits, I’ll visit you, baby, you know that,
I is for the way you inspire me,
N is for how nasty, sexually, we can be..”

It sounds brilliant, funny, certainly, but you’re amazed at just how audacious this man is. His beats sound cheap but done with full-blooded conviction, as are his vocals—this incessant chatter of bobbins from this super-confident superman. His album’s out tomorrow. I cannot wait.

1) FRANKEE – Fuck U Right Back

And in the rush of all that, I forgot to listen to this. What a pity. Still, at least it’ll be around next week, eh…