hat I remember from the first Transporter is this; absolutely no one I know actually went to a theater to see it, but once it hit video, it positively blew up. It became the hot action recommendation, and me, not being really wild about the Big Action Flick, didn’t see it until it ended up on late night cable. But I loved it. Jason Statham was one of a million crushes I had from the casts of Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch, so I figured it was a given that I’d find it enjoyable at the least. But I was even more pleasantly surprised than that. Statham’s mercenary Frank was a deadpan badass, the action was wild, and the whole thing came off with this great, sweaty sexiness while still being appealingly goofy. It wasn’t a perfect movie, per se, but as far as Big Action Flicks go, it was gold. So maybe my expectations were a little unrealistic when I went into the sequel expecting it to be, y’know, good.

If there were a way to type a long, drawn-out sigh and an extravagant eye-roll, and have it translate to my satisfaction, that’s exactly what I’d do right now. I’m not trying to sound like a snob, because I really liked the first Transporter. But this? This is nothing more than a big, silly turkey. A long, drawn-out commercial for Audis, cell phones and Coke. A sucker punch for every fool who ever took a chance in the hopes that a sequel might be decent. This should really be all I have to say about this movie, but if you’re a glutton for some of my most inarticulate poo-flinging, please, read on.


"And me without my camera..."
Frank (Jason Statham) is still making deliveries, only this time he’s in Miami delivering a cloyingly cute child of a government official (a limp and unlikable Matthew Modine) to and from school. The closer Frank gets to his charge, the more aware he becomes of trouble in paradise between daddy and mommy (MILF played by Amber Valetta, who couldn’t possibly be more shrill and irritating). Cue lots of protective bonding between Frank and the kid. Cue Modine acting like an insufferable dick. Cue mommy getting tipsy and making an awkward pass at Frank. Then, oops! all of a sudden, for reasons I couldn’t possibly invest enough of myself to recall, some bad guys kidnap the kid during a routine trip to the pediatrician and frame Frank for it. They also infect the kid and daddy with some kind of fatal virus that daddy is supposed to take to some Big Important Government Conference and sneeze onto a bunch of Big Important Government Official types, but, whatever. Okay, so, time to roll out the ass-kicking. It looks only exactly like the first time around, only ten times more retarded, and cut so quick that 20th Century Fox will be in litigation for years after triggering a few thousand epileptic seizures.


The long-rumored remake of West Side Story finally springs into action...
There you have the flimsy plot; now let’s talk about the one thing that’s truly great about the Transporter 2… the villains. Man, are the villains ever great in this one. Alessandro Gassman stars as Gianni and Kate Nauta is his insanely sexy sidekick, Lola. I don’t remember why they had such a wild hair up their hot, evil asses about Matthew Modine, and I don’t even care. Probably because he was such an annoying pussy. Either way they were the only thing even remotely watchable about this movie. In fact, if they could just re-cut it so that it was 87 minutes of them waving guns around, kicking puppies and eating babies, I swear I will race back to the theater to give Transporter 2 a second chance. Until then, I’m going to continue to hate every frame of the movie that they weren’t in.

I know I’m not alone in this one. The theater was positively alive with the sounds of insulted intelligence. Every Wile E. Coyote moment was met with laughter, not the good kind; the derisive kind. Every attempt to tug our heartstrings elicited annoyed sighs, and frankly, when they started making their threats about bringing us Transporter 3, the whole theater groaned. Note to potential investors; this is not a good sign. If they absolutely insist on making this a trilogy, then they need to get Corey Yuen to direct again, otherwise they’re in for a lot of empty seats. And if not, I hope they’ll consider my recommendation that they bring back Gassman and Nauta for that gun-crazy, puppy-kicking, all-you-can-eat-baby-buffet extravaganza, because that would be infinitely cooler than Transporter 2. Yes, really.