nce again, William B Swygart is unavailable to run down the UK top 40 singles, so, again, I have to step in to do it. I’m like the Lyndon B Johnson of this shit. I’m the Catholic, and yet he’s the one that gets to have Easter Sunday off. How does that work?

Anyway, your normal reviewer never discusses the Scott Mills show, which is on directly prior to Butters’ top 40 rundown. I will. Scott Mills, I’m calling you out. Scott Mills is the worst DJ currently on Radio 1, which, considering their intake over the past few years, is a Guinness Book worthy achievement. His comic banter for the week includes using the term “liking quiche Lorraine” as a synonym for “homosexual”. Not too likely to be troubling the Viz Profanisaurus with that one, Scott. Then he has a COMEDY MYSTIC. You know, like Brian Conley used to have. She’s called Gail Force International, which may well be a pun, but I’m fucked if I can work out how. Anyway, she predicts the top 40, MIT GAGS. So, she confuses The Rasmus with Roxanne. All foreigners look the same, so that works. And then she calls Paul Van Dyk “Paul Van Dick”. Look, the man’s surname is pronounce “Dyke”, you really don’t need to change his name in order to bring the funny. Scott sniggers throughout the entire segment in a manner befitting an Adam Sandler fan watching an Adam Sandler film.

Wes comes on, and his first act is to trail an appearance later on by the all-new, drug-free, Big Brovaz.

ALBUM NEWS: New entries: The Delays become the fourth biggest, and third worst, band on Rough Trade (#17), and debuts for greatest hits packages from the Bay City Rollers (#11), Atomic Kitten (#5), and ABBA (#4). Wes doesn’t play “Mama Mia”, or anything off the Guns N Roses Greatest Hits at #2, because he’s a complete cretin. Bespectacled Evanescence loving disease magnet Anastacia holds on to the #1 spot. Wes doesn’t play owt off her album either. Instead, we get a two minute long trailer for Colin Murray and Edith Bowman. Colin and Edith replace Mark and Lard. Mark and Lard have been responsible for the fames of Belle and Sebastian and “Your Woman”. Colin and Edith are responsible for Born Sloppy and that one hidden camera show Edith Bowman replaced Sara Cox on. Well done Radio 1.

New entries outside the top 20: The Ordinary Boys #36 (Ten years after the death of whiney spoilt-brat “comedian” Bill Hicks, it seems apposite that there’s a song containing lyrics to the depth of “There’s no such thing as God or easy money” in the top 40. Doesn’t mean I want to listen to it, though), Wiley #31 (My god, he doesn’t half sound like that guy off kids consumer rights show Short Change. “What the heck, my name is “Problem”. Yeah, thanks for that Mr John Clare), Sharlene Hector #28 (longtime session vocalist launches solo career with Coca-Cola advert soundtracking Nina Simone cover. Not as bad as it sounds), G-Unit #27 (Mr Slave-soundalike and his equally fucking useless friends release another abortion of a single), and The Zutons #22 (blah blah Wirral psychadelia yadda yadda Captain Beefheart Arthur Lee Ian Brodue et fucking cetera)

THE UK TOP 20- AS BROUGHT TO YOU BY A CATHOLIC

20. THE SUGABABES- “In The Middle”

The weakest Sugababes single since… well, the last one actually. Although it’s nice to have a band where two members so clearly abhor the very existence of the third one, you can’t help but think they wouldn’t have fell off as much since the last album if they actually got along. As it stands, this makes them a modern day version of The Police. This isn’t as good as “Born In The 50s”, though.

19. PETER ANDRE- “Mysterious Girl”

So then, football. Northampton Town are now a mere three points off of a division three play-off spot, and we have a game in hand. All credit has to go to formers Spurs defender Colin Calderwood, who has been a revelation in his freshman managerial role. Equally adept at getting the best out of the myriad youngsters in the team, whilst revitalising those veterans who are so important to the success of a lower league football team.

18. ATOMIC KITTEN- “Someone Like Me”

Their best single ever, which isn’t really saying much. Autotuned to buggery, though, as a friend of mine noted “You could probably vomit more melodically”. What odds Jenny Frost as “I’m A Celebrity” winner 2006?

17. BIG BROVAZ- “Thank You” (NEW ENTRY)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yep, only #17 for a single off of a major Hollywood blockbuster soundtrack which they’ve been promoting the fizzuck out of for the past two months. That’s what you get for being the worst musical act in the UK guys. Wes’ phone interview with them is suitably stilted for a band whose new single has just still-birthed, and the band do seem a little to keen to tell us how much they’ve enjoyed their recent time in Jamaica, considering recent developments in the personnel.

16. MICHELLE MCMANUS- “The Meaning of Love” (NEW ENTRY)

Oooooh… is this a flop? I mean, OK, she won Pop Idol 2, so her second single really shouldn’t have been charting at a position more normally associated with The Delays or Nas. But, I’ve not heard this song before now, and I’ve not seen her doing the normal media tour so… has Cowell given in on her already? Pete Waterman got really pissed off with Michelle winning, because she isn’t “pop”, pop being all that Waterman knows. I thought that it was all Cowell knew as well. The limpness of this track suggests that it is. Maybe she could do a duet with David Sneddon?

15. KANYE WEST- “Through The Wire”

Oh, fuck off.

14. OUTKAST- “The Way You Move”

For a charismaless midget, Big Boi’s OK with me. However, one can’t help but feel that, considering how both the public perception and interband relationship works: “The Love Below”:“Speakeboxxx”::“You Are The Quarry”:that last Healers album. This song really doesn’t encourage Beyonces, Lucy Lius, or even Baby Dolls onto the floor, sadly.

13. JAMELIA- “Thank You”

Don’t know about you, but if I was planning on beating the living crap out of my songwriting girlfriend, I’d make sure that her brother wasn’t the alleged leader of the most infamous gang in the Midlands and currently on trial for his role in the shooting of two teenage girls at a New Year’s Eve party. Maybe that’s just me, though.

12. N*E*R*D*- “She Wants To Move”

Does Big Boi like the way she wants to move? Is this bassline made by someone blowing raspberries? Do you remember how happy we were before some decided to introduce guitars back to the charts? I blame Papa Roach.

11. BRITNEY SPEARS- Toxic

For a supposed record of the year contender, that falsetto bit is crap. And it’s not as good as “Lucky”. Or “(You Drive Me) Crazy”. Or “Ooops, I Did It Again”. Fuck site better than anything off of the third album, though.

10. BEYONCE- “Naughty Girl” (NEW ENTRY)

Yep, she’s still rubbish. “Work It Out” was brilliance, “Crazy In Love” was pretty good before the Linda McCartney of hip-hop turned up, and, since then, her output has been so devoid of soul or passion that it may as well have been recorded by Kraftwerk in drag. Here, the usual stream of over-reaching for notes, five minute out of date beats, and a tune that no bugger will remember in six minutes. I’d say “Beyonce sucks, bring back Kelly Rowland”, but, you know, “something something train something something Marilyn Monroe”.

9. NARCOTIC THRUST- “I Like It” (NEW ENTRY)

“I hate the treadmill every day” sings a faceless house diva. Well done faceless house diva. Right, “9 to 5” and “Working In A Coalmine” already exist, why record another song about how ghey work is? Because it won’t be as good. This song exists solely to feature in the next series of club reps as a rugby player from Bracknell sexually assaults a lamppost.

8. BLUE- “Breathe Easy”

Power ballads are back. Well done power ballads. At one point, Blue were the best boy band in Britain, Biggie-sampling streetwise types releasing R&B; slinkfests like “Fly By II” and “All Rise”. Nowadays, they’re doing power ballads. Get the feeling perhaps they might be about to split up?

7. TWISTA- Slow Jamz

Is Twista actually a rapper, or just someone putting together as many unpleasant sounds as possible together on Goldwave? This song is about the joys of fucking to Luther Vandross. I know a guy who lost his virginity to “Bionic” by Placebo, and as such knows that his first bout of carnal knowledge lasted exactly five minutes and three seconds. I get the feeling that Twista doesn’t listen to much Placebo.

6. SPECIAL D- “Come With Me” (NEW ENTRY)

Pounding, helium voiced, vaguely hardcore choooooooon. Goofy as fuck, and none the worse for it. Sounds like the Love Parade condensed into three minutes, with what I’d call a “euphoric breakdown” if I actually knew anything about this sort of music. Sounds like that “The Riddle” tune from a few years back.

5. DJ CASPER- Cha Cha Slide

Well, it’s a Wetherspoons tune, innit? For our Stateside brethren, Wetherspoons is a chain of stack ‘em high, sell ‘em low bars notorious for cheap prices and no atmosphere. Most towns in the UK have at least two of them. The last time I was in one, I asked for a Jim Beam Black with cranberry over ice. They gave me a Jim Beam, blackcurrant and cranberry. Oooh, the fury.

4. ANASTACIA- Left Outside Alone

I think it’s a shame that she didn’t have a mastectomy after her bout of breast-cancer. I don’t mean that maliciously, I have nothing against Anastacia, I just think we’re lacking a one-breasted pop star. Why should pop have something that Peggy Mitchell doesn’t? Anyway, yeah, it sounds like “Bring Me To Life”, but it’s better than that song she did for the World Cup.

3. THE RASMUS- In The Shadows (NEW ENTRY)

The biggest band from Finland since Darude! And, my god, it’s a Goth tune your mum can hum along to as she’s doing the sandwiches. Better than HIM, and with an added lack of Bam Margera, The Rasmus are basically Europe-devouring cartoon-Goths who’ve delivered a decent slice of AM radio friendly pop-rock, and have a frontman who looks like Robert Smith. Not a single of the year candidate, but… pleasant.

2. USHER- Yeah

Yep, tiny-headed Twix-fan Usher stays at #2. And the only way that Luda can get into the UK top 10 is by spitting some half-assed verse over the end of someone else’s song, which is disconcerting. Not even that Westwood TV advert can help him. You know the one. Where the vicar’s son and Fifty Thent pull mean faces at the end, in order to get you to buy an album with, like, seventeen Ashanti tracks on it or something. Wes talks all over Lil Jon’s bit as well. You see the difference between the US and the UK here? I dread to think how badly, I dunno, Devin the Dude and TI are going to fail.

1. MCFLY- Five Colours In Her Hair

So, the first time someone mentioned the fact that this was about the girl from As If, who has five colours in her hair, I was like “Oh yeah, that kinda Gothy Asian girl?”. Now, since, I learn that the girl in question, Sooz, is white, and there are no female Asian characters in As If. So, if someone can tell me which teen drama it is that features a grebby rotund Indian girl, that’d be much appreciated. As for the song? Well, it’s The Lemonheads, innit? I like The Who, I like Simon and Garfunkel, so why don’t I like this, being as it is the best bits of “Mrs Robinson” and “My Generation” spliced together? Possibly because it seems unlikely that any of McFly are going to record “Call Me Al”, or investigate the world of child pornography in order to make the world safe for the kids. Anyway, prediction: their next single will sound like “Dedicated Follow of Fashion”, and be about that girl off of the Pizza Hut advert.